Four years ago, I was diagnosed with Hereditary Spastic Paraparesis (HSP) type 7 due to the SPG7 gene mutation. I visit my neurologist yearly to monitor the disease's progress, despite it being degenerative and incurable. Today, I was advised to use a cane or walking aid all the time, not just "as needed." This change has been tough to accept. Knowing degeneration means a gradual decline is one thing, but processing it emotionally is another.
I used to enjoy running, hiking, and biking, but my activity levels have steadily decreased. I know that soon I'll need a cane more often, then a walker, and eventually a wheelchair. This reality hit me hard today. Some people already see only my gender before my abilities as an engineer, and now they'll see the cane first.
HSP isn't the worst diagnosis, but it's frustrating to be judged by appearances. In US Army Basic Training, I learned that being underestimated can be an advantage. But for me, it's just exhausting. I've avoided using the cane regularly because I don't want to be underestimated further. For me, it's not an advantage; it's tiring.
In movies, villains and pimps have canes. I want to think of my cane as just another step toward becoming a fairy tale villain. If I need a cane, I need a cane and should use one, but I hate that I need it. I hate being judged, but it is what it is. Objectively, I have a really cool cane. In the end, I don't want to deal with people who prejudge anyway. Life isn't always fair, and that's okay. I'll let karma handle things and use the cane all the time.
Michelle Obama said, "You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world's problems at once, but don't ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own." And Scott Lynch said, "There’s no freedom quite like the freedom of being constantly underestimated." So, I will go forth, and if I am underestimated, I will think of it as being freed.
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